This is Alcohol Freedom Finders. In this episode, we meet with Maria, whose husband's sudden death left her fending for herself and her young children. Like so many others in her situation, she tried to deal with her pain and sorrow by drinking. But she was able to hold things together for the sake of her kids. Although 15 years later, she's still haunted by one particular heart breaking occasion when her drinking meant that she let one of her daughters down. When the kids went away to college, Maria's drinking ramped up. And so she sought help through Alcoholics Anonymous. But after years of going to AA meetings, it just wasn't working for her. Although she still loves the community and even the spirituality, the 12 steps were not for her. She needed a more empowering approach. We'll hear how it was one to one coaching from a colleague of ours that set her on the road to alcohol freedom. This is a really inspiring story. Let's get started. Welcome everybody to alcohol freedom finders with myself, Justin Clark and Barry Condon. Today, we are super excited to welcome Maria Parkhill. She's one of our fellow coaches and is a in a unique and fantastic position to speak to both an experience inside Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, and also This Naked Mind. And Maria kind of specializes in those who have Prior traditional methods of stopping drinking or reducing and are looking for an alternative. Hi So happy to be here. I'm so excited to to be with you both and my journey definitely Started a long time ago. I I'm a single mom. My husband died when my kids were very little and so alcohol played a big part in that because it's You It was very stressful and he died suddenly, so I was like, what do I do now? And I was mostly sad about his, about my kids having to grow up without their dad and they're, dealing with your children's intense pain is very painful. And alcohol came in a lot during that time, but when they were little, I, I drank every day, definitely, but I couldn't. Drink to excess, because I had to get them on the bus in the morning and get to school outings and do all those things. And. It was only in the last few years that I really focused on that. I had thought that it got serious. My, my drinking and but I was recently on a bike ride and last weekend, actually. And I went by this this hotel, beautiful hotel on the beach. I live down the shore in New Jersey, and I was hit with this flashback of 15 years ago when my now daughter, who's 26, lives, she lives in New York. She's doing really well and has a great boyfriend, but when she was 11, she had a birthday party to go to, and I was at a repass, which is, I don't know if you guys in the UK call it that, but after a funeral, that's what we go to. And there's always lots of alcohol after funerals, go figure. And I drank too much and I had to get to my daughter, pick, get her from school and get her to this party. And she was a little bit shy and I didn't make it to the, get my daughter to the party. And it was just a huge mess and it brought back so much pain when I remembered it. And I talked to her about it multiple times and, you know, she's like, yeah, I had to go to this birthday party in a cab. At 11, so clearly my alcohol was abused started long before what I had thought was it just in the last few years once they went to college. And so I started going to AA a few years ago and it just wasn't doing it for me. I just couldn't get it. I didn't want to call myself an alcoholic. I did not want to have to talk to these strangers about my really personal stuff, and I could not understand how that works. I would say it all the time, like, how is this possibly going to help me stop drinking by talking to all these strangers about my drinking? And then many times I'd leave an AA meeting and go drinking. It's so stressful to me. And and plus all that talk about alcohol, made me want to drink more. So I would get like 30 days here and 30 days there, but I was still white knuckling it terribly. And so I, I found this naked mind through another book, another alcohol free book. And I joined the path and at the time in November of 22, it was only 90 days. So I actually went to detox for 6 days and then came out of detox and then did the path for 90 days. It just wasn't enough for me. So I had a coach, one of the coaches from this naked mind worked with me. We did, we did work together for a couple of months. We did the alcohol experiment and voila, I haven't had a drink in 15 months. So that's amazing. That's amazing. Can I. I mean, I firstly, hi Maria, we did talk beforehand before we started the record. So yeah, no, but thanks so much for coming on and, and your story is, is, is. Is amazing. I and, and I think, I mean, by this, by the sounds I don't want to put words in your mouth, but, something as traumatic as losing, losing your, your husband it's such a huge thing. And, and, and trauma seems to be key to a lot of people's journey with alcohol. And, you know, society makes us think and see. Everywhere that, you know, if you're in trouble, if you're, if you are struggling, then alcohol is, is the place to escape to. I don't know if you were able to talk to, speak to that at all. Well, it's funny because trauma is talked about so much now, but it never occurred to me. No. I you know, I just come from a kind of a crazy childhood too. My, funny enough, my father died when I was five. And there was lots of alcoholism in my house. Funny how these things repeat themselves. So so yeah, I don't know any, a lot about trauma. I'm sure I've suffered from it, but never really knew that's what it was, I guess. Yeah. And I think that's also very common. We don't, we don't even, we, we go through the things and, and just think, you know, this is what life's throwing at me. And, and I deal with it, how I deal with it. Amazing. And, and I could so resonate with the story of your your daughter. and you know, I, I, I had with my kids, you know, that was, that was what was probably my main motivation for, for stopping. Was the example and, and the situations I was getting myself into, that, that, that that I was showing, you know the example that I didn't wanna be showing to my, to my children. And having those moments where, you know, you know, you're letting them down that's that's difficult. I meant, but you, but you went through a lot of years before you found this naked mind. Yeah. How, so how many years did you, did you go go to AA? Not for it was July of, of 22. I, I went to my first AA meeting and then it was, had just been the summer of I had been drinking a lot, a lot, a lot that, like I said, I lived down the shore. So at the beach all the time and 4th of July weekend was huge. But I didn't stop. That was my thing. It was like, everybody went back to their work and jobs and I was like, Well, I don't really want to stop now and it just went on for 10 days. But I got to AA and I told you, I, I just did not work for me. I was white knuckling it and every, and I mean, I could picture my knuckles white from trying to not to drink. And the cravings were just, and I think that's where this naked mind really was huge in dealing with cravings and rewiring the subconscious. That's not talked about. And you know, I love the spirituality of AA. I love the fellowship of AA. I don't know any sober people, honestly, except for the people I know from AA. So, and alcohol is just so prevalent in every aspect of our lives to not I don't know anybody that actually shares your sober life and your love of a sober life. It's difficult. So there's a lot of things I don't agree with in AA, like having to call yourself an alcoholic. I don't believe in labeling. I don't believe in limiting yourself to that. But as I said, I love how they really, the 12 steps to me, I've never done them, but to me, they are all about just living a good life and. Being in touch with your with your true authentic self. So I, I would, I recommend both. I think they work well together. Compliment each other as well. Each other. Well, If you're looking to take back control of your drinking, why don't you join our Alcohol Freedom Finders 30 day group program. It's a great place to start. Because we approach it as an experiment, rather than a challenge. Whereas, as well as getting a great detox, you learn the science and the psychology about why you're drunk in the first place. So whether you want to stop altogether, or just become a more mindful and moderate drinker, why don't you give it a crack? Use the link in the show notes to sign up to our next 30 day program, and you won't regret it. Because no one ever woke up in the morning and said, I wish I'd had more to drink last night, did they? Back to the episode. before we go into a little bit more about what you like about each of AA and this naked mind, I just wanted to. It really resonated with you talking about people going back to work after 4th of July weekend and you carrying on and the cravings being the biggest thing for you. I really resonate with that because I remember just sort of being here in my room going, why is it that I'm wanting to have a drink and it's 3 o'clock or 4 o'clock and it's not, I don't want to, why am I compelled to? I don't want to use the word need, but there's something in me that's needing it. And instantly the, it's not, it's not shame, it's just sort of like such disgust for, for the fact that my urge is this I don't know what, how, what your experience was like in that place where everybody else was done for 4th of July weekend and you weren't. Yeah, it's what's wrong with me. Those are the words. It's like, what, why, how does everybody else go back to work? And. You know, I'm a little hungover, and some alcohol would feel so good right now, and there was some cold white claws in the fridge, and it just, it was so good. And the cycle would keep going. The alcohol would keep going. But then, my kids would be like, Mom, by this point my kids are in their 20s, Mom. Like, what are you doing? That's the shampoo effect. Who the heck ever heard of the shampoo effect? Which apparently is like, when you already have the alcohol in your system, and then you drink, you're just so much more drunk already. And that definitely Happened to me, so but yeah, the cravings were just, I remember February of 23 was 6 months after my, I'd been going to AA, been to detox, done it all, I'm going to New York City to see my daughter for her birthday, and I had just done 30 days and the desire to drink, I remember it so clearly because it was so strong. I couldn't drink. Get away from it. And it was my daughter's birthday. My daughter who I've hurt multiple times through alcohol. And I'm like, I can't do this on her birthday. And I went to New York and we went to the plaza and we had a great little tea and I'm watching women next to me in the table having white wine, just craving it, and I came home and I drank that entire weekend. But this naked mind has a great, great way to deal with that. They're earth surfing, which is wonderful and beautiful. And then you understand it's your brain, it's not your fault. Those are the three words, it's not your fault. Four words that to me resonate with anybody who's ever had the shame, blame, and guilt of alcohol. It's not your fault because your brain is so hijacked. By the alcohol, and that's definitely what my cravings were. It was hijacked. That's yeah, that's that is that for me, that's what what what I locked a lot of it as well. And when you, for me, the science is really important and empowering that you when you sort of understand that that it's it's not you, it's just the way the alcohol works its way that that our dopamine system works that it programs you into seeing opportunities for for a shot of dopamine. And That is built into us evolutionarily as a motivator the most powerful motivator that we know. And, yeah, as you said, alcohol hijacks that and makes us feel as if it's, you know, your life depends on it. That you need to chase. That next opportunity, you know, when it sees, oh, there's, there's wine served here. Therefore, my brain tells me I should be drinking wine because there's, there's benefit in that. And once you understand that you can want 2 things at the same time, your subconscious could be driving you with motivation to drink, even though. Your rational brain is able to see that that's not serving you anymore. The frustration is when you, you're sort of unaware of those two things and you know, you're not able to get those two, two sides of you to, to, to, to meet and, and, and, and and evolve together. And that's, you know, that, that, that was for me so empowering and you think, oh, it's just, it's just science. It's just the way that alcohol works and it triggers something that it shouldn't really trigger inside us. And when you understand it and, and, and can take a step back and try alternatives to reprogram. Those initial triggers then it becomes it. What was it during the park, and maybe you could speak to it. So the path is actually is is this naked minds now year long a program for, for, for to help people Transform their drinking behavior. Can you speak to a little bit, a little bit about that, about how you sort of took that went from finding it unbearable and white knuckling to to being, you know, ultimately having the freedom that you have now? Well, I don't, I didn't fully technology is not my strong point. So let's just start with that because I could, I didn't really, I mean, I was on the path, but I, you know, there was a lot of, you know working navigating the platform, but so that being said, part of the big part of the path. is the pause and Which is what the P in PATH stands for I think and the pause is all about just stop trying to stop and Annie's Methodology in this is brilliant because she's just like look You've got all this stuff what you were just talking about Barry all this stuff going on in your mind cognitive dissonance I want to drink. I don't want to drink. I want to drink. I don't want to drink up Just stop it. Have a stupid drink and just learn what it's doing to you. I mean, to me, it was so brilliant when Annie said, just watch, put on a timer, take that drink and watch how long it lasts. It's 20 minutes, maybe 22 minutes, and then your blood alcohol level drops, and then you want another one, and it's, it's an ongoing cycle, and it's, Ridiculous and the buzz doesn't last. So that's what I found to be really really, really helpful in my finally becoming alcohol free was learning about the cognitive dissonance learning that it's okay to just watch that. See your brain. See what's going on. Because I for me the authentic self, which is the self that we are behind all the thoughts and all the stuff that goes on in our brain to be able is what watches all your thoughts. So, to be able to watch that and watch my mind be like, I need another drink. I have to have another drink. It was really helpful because awareness is huge. You can't re change anything if you're not aware of it. So to be able to see it and be like, huh, I want another drink now. What's my brain doing to put alcohol levels dropping. So no wonder I want another drink. My, my brain needs more because it thinks I need it to, to live. Which it does not. Hmm. Exactly that. So what you're saying is that this naked mind gave you an opportunity to get back and reflect on your drinking and take ownership of your own journey. Yeah, absolutely. It helped me to understand cravings. Be present with them, watch it, because even, as I said, after the path, now the path is a whole year now, and they have living naked, which is the whole you know, okay, you've stopped drinking now, let's deal with your stuff, whatever you're, why are you drinking in the first place, or why do you want to, it's about creating a life you don't want to escape from, escape from, so That was huge for me. It was huge working with a coach to be able to see my stuff, to see what it was that I felt I needed to run to alcohol from. And to me, I was just thinking about this. I'm on my way to Vermont today for a big family reunion, and there's going to be alcohol everywhere. And I'm driving my 97 year old mother in the car for 6 hours, which in itself is going to be very challenging. Ends. In years gone by, I would have gotten to Vermont and been like, get me a drink now, and I was thinking about how you just develop tools through this naked mind, do your own practice of just going within to the higher self and being present there. And there's so much peace and serenity there. You don't need the drink to find the peace. It's there within, but our mind is always going like a tornado 24 7 and it just needs to be stopped or quieted or watched. And the piece is there. So that's how I found it. That's what I'll be doing today at 6 o'clock when I arrive in Vermont after 6 hours with my mom in the car. That's that's beautiful. And it's. And that's often the, the, the, the most powerful question is, is, you know, we, we, we develop these triggers and moments and programs that, where we reach for a drink and the question that we get to ask as we unprogram those is, well, what do we really want? What, what would really help? Because we're, you know, we, you talked about the, the, the, the stuff that, that, that, that the self. Part of of why we drink and something that the, in the methodology that we, we learned about the, the, there are sort of 3. S's of, of, of, of wise around why people drink and, and it, and it can be a societal thing. That, that our culture is very, very as, as everybody knows. And as you spoke to that, that it's, it's everywhere. Drinking is, is the go to in, in celebration, in, in commiseration, in in stress relief, in. You name it. There's a reason to associate a drink with with every occasion and every every situation. So that's 11 s. So, so that's that's the society and and we also have, you know, the substance is sort of sold to us in a big way that it's that it's it's glamorous, lovely tasty beverage that, that, that you know, that, that is marketed to us the whole time. And that's very, very powerful. But as you said, the, the, the final part, which is perhaps where the, the, the greatest freedom comes from is, is, is understanding what you really what was Making you feel you were missing something in the first place or what did the alcohol highlight and, and, and, and allow you to escape from perhaps so that's, and, and now you're able to sort of give yourself what you really needed all along which is, which is beautiful. Yeah, it's exactly true. And I just wish people would know that, that it's there. It's there, which you just can just go within for it. A few minutes a day and then throughout the day, because as I've talked about, we have 60, 000 thoughts a day. That's a lot. And most of them are from the same day, same as the day before and most of them are negative. And if you're drinking, they're really negative, which is so sad for people because they think that they are worthless and that they're terrible people. And it's not true, it's that their brain became addicted and that's not their fault. And that's. A huge, huge, huge realization. And it was huge for me because I raised three kids with a lot of alcohol and I was doing a little cocaine back in the day. And so it's not your fault is really huge for me. Maria, we've talked a lot about the struggle and, and how you've overcome it with this ability to drop into your spirituality and that, and that great sort of sense of self and, and, you know, self responsibility, which I, I love myself as well. What I'm looking to ask you about now, other than struggle, what are the, some of the things that you've discovered for yourself, the joys of being free from alcohol? Well, there's so many. I think to be present with the people that you love. Sorry, I get a little emotional when I talk about this because it's so many times, so many times I'd be out to dinner with my kids and, you know, in the last 5 years. And they're older now, like, they're in their 20s, so they can see it. It's not like when they were 3, 4, it's like, oh, mommy's taking a nap. Mommy can't remember, you know, like I would say the same thing. They're like, mommy, just ask that. And this is after a few glass of wine. I never had a high tolerance anyway, but, I mean, 3 or 4 or 5, I'm not going to try and sugar coat it. I drank a significant amount of wine, but and sometimes vodka and then I would think, oh, well, I think I'll have a an espresso martini to wake me up because that's a good idea. Yeah, so yeah, I think being present with the people that I love and remembering our conversations. And not having to ask them what the conversation was last night or being embarrassed and pretending that I didn't know what we talked about when I really had no recollection. I mean, how sad is that? We all know if you have kids, they don't talk often. And if they're talking, you want to listen and you want to remember. And more than anything, you want to be present with them so that your brain is working properly so you can come back with the proper response. And not just something stupid and drunkenness. So, I think for me, that would be the greatest joy. And my 97 year old mom, I'm so grateful. So grateful. By the grace of God, she's still alive and she's still relatively with it. And I can be with her sober. Because there were so many times I was not. With her sober and I mean, my mom still drinks every day at 97, but you know what? I can pour her a glass of wine. I can smell it. Like, I haven't smelled that in a while, but I'm not tempted in the least. I don't know about you, but I one of the things, you know, we're always told, you know, no regrets and they don't, you know, there's no point in regretting things. And of course, you know, That's true, but I do wonder and I, I wish perhaps that what I know now, you know, if I'd known that 10 years ago, 15 years ago, you know, how much of a difference it might have made. Or, you know, and I guess that's the, the, the reason I'm a coach is, is, is because you want other people to find out sooner than, than perhaps we did it. Is there, is there anything. Is this the one thing about the whole your whole journey? I wish I'd known that earlier, or I wish I could go back and say to myself, you know it doesn't have to be this way. I never thought it was possible because it who knew that a life without alcohol could be so amazing. I never could have imagined it. Honestly, it's because it's so I grew up with it. My entire family drinks. My mom's been drinking every day. Forever, but she never, I don't remember ever seeing her drunk. So, but that doesn't matter. I still alcohol was still, we had cocktail hour at my grandparents house when I was a kid. I mean, it was, it was like what you did. And so I just couldn't fathom a life without alcohol. And. That's one thing I was talking to a girl, a woman of mine, friend of mine, who's struggling terribly and you just want to shake them and say, it's so much better on the other side. It's just like, just go, go a few weeks without alcohol and you start to see it. And your brain starts to work. And when you actually do the science, know the science and know that all the neural pathways that are healing in your brain. It's just amazing. That was huge for me when I first started. It's like, wow, all those, there's, Annie once had a neuro neurosurgeon on her podcast talking about the neural pathways that were forming in your brain when you, when you do anything every day. And, but when you stop little by little, she described it like a path, little by little, the grass kind of grows over it and the path goes away. And I just kept picturing my brain like, okay. Hope those pads are growing over now. Like, I just wanted my brain. I mean, the brain does everything. It controls our whole body and we're screwing with it with alcohol. I don't know. That was a huge Huge thing for me and Maria. That's exactly the same for me. I totally get it where you're coming from. My grandparents cocktail are for sure. Everything I did in my social life academic life, work life, personal life, all involved alcohol. And I actually, it felt like, it felt like a trait, even when I was doing it, that I couldn't see my way out. You know, we'd be at Wednesday and I'd be drinking going, how am I going to get through the rest of the week? I've got the weekend to get through. You sort of start trying to navigate how you're going to manage your social life or your life. And actually that one thing that I wish I'd known was that not only can you get to the other side of that, but by just It's almost like there's a life raft blowing up around you, so you start floating in the sea and you're, you're doggy paddling, doggy paddling away. And all of a sudden, just by listening to the content and staying with the program, this life raft sort of forms around you and lifts you out of the water. And then all of a sudden you're like floating up going, Oh, okay. And I'm not even thinking about alcohol. This is cool. Now, I'm not saying for me it happened overnight because it didn't. It was almost by degrees I was in this like almost Titanic sized lifeboat going, huh? I need to tell other people about this view. It's really good up here. I know. Isn't it amazing? I love that. You just want to tell the whole world about it and, and like, and talk about, I mean, I love the name of your podcast because it emphasizes freedom and, and, and, and, and To me, that's huge freedom from alcohol, freedom from the lies, freedom from hiding from the people that you love more than anything in this world. I was sneaking into the garage to drink, lying to people that, I mean, it was just so crazy over what, over putting a poison into my body. And that's what I'm, I'm risking relationships that mean more to me in my life over that. It's, I don't know, you look back on it, it's like, what the heck? It's absolute insanity. They say doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity. And that's insanity, alcohol is insanity to me. Yeah, that's, that's really, really true. And, and, and I think that, that that awareness that of how and why we drink and becoming and seeing that that that life can be better and actually believing that it can be better. That that can be the hardest thing because you go through these phases, you know, when alcohol is just what you do, and it's not a problem and you're sort of unaware or sleepers as I think, and he calls it, you know, you're in that sort of state where it might be an issue, but but you you don't know, don't, you know, don't look at it. The scary part can be when you're aware that you have a problem, aware that it's no longer serving you, but just don't think there's an alternative and don't see there's a way out or, or can you, you know, even if you can white knuckle it for a while, it just feels awful because you think alcohol is the be all and end all still but, but with. Our methodology with with the science and with the psychology, you can actually unprogram those feelings and those thoughts and and and feel that you you can get free and and ultimately, you know, with a little with there's there's there's there's there's time and there's there's work to be done, but it's so hopeful the the the the journey that This naked mind methodology allows you to go through and gets you that maybe that step further than, than traditional methods can bring you that you really can get free as you say that freedom part is, is, is is, is, is amazing. Well, that's why I, that's the one key thing I think where this naked mind differs from AA. I mean, I, I still go to AA, as I said, and I still have a lot of friends in AA, but I see so many people that go back. To drinking after a year, two years, 35 years, and I think that's the difference between AA and this naked mind is. Through rewiring the subconscious, learning what this poison does to your brain, and really understanding it, and learning what you're feeling when you're having a craving, and just being present with it, awareness is huge. It's our superpower. I think Annie actually says that and just being present with it so that it just dissipates. So it's totally different than, because she, her biggest thing is, are focusing on your, how you want to feel. That's what you always see Annie asking people. Well, how is it that you want to feel? It's not focused on your behavior, not focused on not going to drink today, one day at a time, which, Isn't such a bad thing, but it's like, how do you want to feel today? How do you want to feel tomorrow? How do you want to feel a year from now? Do you want to still be in this prison of alcohol and lying to all the people that you love, or do you want to be free? Like Justine said, in a giant life raft that turned into the Titanic and you're screaming from the mountaintops to tell people, so I'm very happy to be. In that freedom, and I'm very happy to be telling people about it. Thank you so much, Maria. And what if we had, if you had three words to summarize your biggest takeaway from the journey so far, what would they be? Freedom. Guilt and shame and regret. And yeah, I mean, it's just priceless, honestly, because. When you feel good about yourself, and this is how I even tried to raise my kids. When you feel good about yourself, you're unstoppable. You can do anything because you believe in yourself. And that's like now I'm, I'm, I'm trying to start doing coaching what I always thought that coaching was ridiculous when I was growing up. I was like, who needs a life coach? Well, here I am doing it and I started it and I love it and I love making a difference in people's lives. So, which, what, what, what kind of people are you are you looking to help? You know, and where can they find you? Well, my website is MariaParkhill. org, and I specialize in women, women like 45 to 65 or 75 who really have tried other ways of getting away from alcohol, tried traditional methods. And as great as they are, as I said, I'm a big AA fan, but it's not the whole story. I don't think. I think it really helps to know. They don't talk about what alcohol does to your brain really in detail. They don't talk about rewiring your subconscious and they don't talk about how you want to feel. And that's where this naked mind is huge. They focus on your feelings. Because one thing that we talk about a lot is how emotions determine behavior. So you don't determine your behavior by what you want to do, you determine on how you want to feel. So, yeah, that's what I specialize in, helping women learn who they really are, and by the grace of God, they can find this life. They're freedom. Amazing, Maria. Thank you so much for, for joining us and telling us how you feel long way that lasts. Yeah. Thanks so much, Maria. Thanks guys. It was great to see you both. Really.